Humor

So when you're pregnant you learn a lot of things about your body and the little body growing inside of you. Books like "What to Expect When You're Expecting" are great for teaching you those things. And as wonderful, joyful and uplifting as that is, I am so glad to have found a place that doesn't mind taking a humorous look at being pregnant. For all you preg-o's out there check out www.baby-gaga.com. They have the educational stuff, but they also take a humorous look at things, too. Especially this woman called the Sarcastic Journalist. She writes some of the funniest little articles. Here are a few of my favorites so far . . .

Actually, I just LOVE vomiting!
by The Sarcastic Journalist
Some women are lucky; they don’t get morning sickness. There are some that have a little less luck; they get some morning sickness. Then there are the rest of us, the women with weeks of nonstop vomiting.

All that nonstop vomiting has a name: Hyperemesis. I have a feeling that hyperemesis is Latin for “Poor woman that vomits everything in sight.”

Since hyperemesis isn’t that well known, most people tend to ask questions such as “have you tried crackers?” or “I hear that ginger works.”

For many women, the only thing that works is having an 8-pound baby shoot out of her crotch

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I know that people are trying to be helpful, but it is really hard not to go postal on someone offering “advice,” especially if you spent the night before in the emergency room, getting IV fluids for dehydration.

I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to say “Crackers? Really? That’s all it takes? Eating a few stinking crackers? I’ve been vomiting for five months straight and all I needed to do was eat a stinking cracker?”



Did you keep your receipts?
by The Sarcastic Journalist
I say, once you’ve made it out of your first trimester, it is entirely acceptable to begin your baby registry. Wait. You’re at 13 weeks and haven’t started one? It’s okay; you don’t have to admit you’ve been secretly searching all the baby websites for the past nine weeks.

Trying to register for a baby without the baby there is like trying to cut your own hair in the dark: You have an idea of what you want, and you have good intentions, but it doesn’t mean things will turn out the way they should.

You register for bottles only to find out after you’ve opened the package and sterilized the bottle that your baby really does believe that “breast is best.” Who needs a wipe warmer? Do you? What the heck is a onesie? How the heck are you going to drag around a stroller the size of a car?

My best advice is to put down those magazines toting the biggest, bestest and “most educational” baby items and ask other parents. Don’t just ask one either. One person’s Exasaucer is another’s Torture Device.

If there’s anything I’ve learned after having two, it is to keep the receipts. I mean, come on, do you really need five baby bathtubs?


Let’s hear it for the boys (and my fat butt)
by The Sarcastic Journalist
Everything changes the second the double lines appear on the home pregnancy test. You are no longer you. You are now a pregnant woman. And apparently you are now available for public pestering regarding everything to do with pregnancy. That’s right: the tiny baby in your belly makes women around the world believe they can give you advice.

My personal favorites happen to be the old wives tales. It’ll happen at least once; you’ll be standing in line at the store and an older lady will approach you. She’ll tell you that since you’re packing on pounds in your rear that it is “a boy!”

Wait. Did she just tell you that your butt is fat?

Yes, and she feels she has the right to do so. Why? Because you are pregnant!

When else could someone comment on the width of your nose (if it has spread, it is a boy) or the size of your breasts (bigger means girl!) than when you are with child?

What better time to assault a woman than when she is pregnant, hormonal and changing daily? Most of us are either too shocked or too polite to tell these women where they can take their advice.

Next time one of these ladies points out that “the little girl in there has stolen all your looks,” pat her on the rear and say “So, I assume you’re due with your little boy any day now?

As I come across good ones each week, I'll keep posting them.